


A Raw Canvas

by wordwinx



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-17
Updated: 2011-09-29
Packaged: 2017-10-23 20:14:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/254477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wordwinx/pseuds/wordwinx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adam is so emersed in the creative process he didn't notice when things got weird with Sauli.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“That was delicious.” Adam emptied his wine glass. He savored the luxurious texture of it sitting velvet and round on his tongue before swallowing. Sauli had grilled fish and tossed a salad at a moment’s notice. There was nothing left of the bottle of buttery Seyval that Sauli had carefully chosen to complement their light supper. Adam had been in a mood. He shut himself away in the den and didn’t want to go to the market. Thankfully, Adam wasn’t hard to please. Somehow Sauli fed all of his appetites. Adam studied his glass in silence. He had been quiet a lot lately.

Sauli stood up to clear the table. “Do you want some dessert?”

Adam pulled Sauli closer. “Maybe . . . what did you have in mind?”

Sauli held plates up while Adam tugged at his waist. “Strawberries.”

Adam made a face. “Fruit.”

“You like fruit. Also, there are those almond cookies in the cabinet if you would rather.”

Adam brightened. “I want a cookie.”

Sauli wriggled free and headed for the kitchen. “Well, get it yourself. My hands are full. Bring the serving platter with you.”

Adam stood robotically and brought the tray. He waited until Sauli took it from him then hunted the cabinet for the crackling package of crunchy cookies. He put one whole into his mouth, but his eyes bugged when he read the nutrition label. He mumbled. “You want one?”

“No thanks.” Sauli had scraped the leftovers into a lidded container and started loading the dishwasher.

Adam stuffed the cookies back onto the shelf without properly securing the closing zip. “You’re kind of quiet.”

“I was going to say the same of you.”

“Hey.” Adam turned Sauli away from the task at hand. “We should do something fun. We could get dressed up and go over on the West side. ” Sauli wrinkled his nose. “Or, we could just go see a movie.”

“What’s playing?”

“I dunno.”

“Adam, it’s so late already. I don’t really want to go out. Can we just stay in?”

“Sure. I’ll go pick out some appropriate music.”

“Appropriate for what?”

Adam swept his arms into an elaborate shrug that didn’t end until his hands were over his head. “It’s Saturday.”

Sauli squeezed in the detergent and shut the door. He studied the choices on the panel and hesitantly selected the button labeled ‘Normal.' “It’s Saturday,” he said aloud.

When Sauli wandered into the living room, Adam was fussing with the stereo. He spun around as the first electro beat boomed more loudly than Sauli expected. He jumped. Bowie, of course. He smiled as Adam began to prance. Sauli knew by the song choice that Adam was going to play the entire Bowie playlist on shuffle. This particular track wasn’t included in Adam’s random folders. He shook his head and nudged himself off the door jamb, may as well let loose a little. He and Adam bumped hips playfully. “ooooooo BOP . . . doh doh doh doh doh doh doh doh . . . fah fah fah fah FASHION . . . la la la la luh luh luh luh la la!” Adam was making exaggerated expressions to the nonsensical lyrics that made Sauli laugh. The next song was slower. They swayed together. Adam leaned in for a casual kiss. Sauli sensed the tension break and took the opportunity to speak.

“You’ve been distracted lately.”

“Have I?”

“Yes.”

“It’s just the album, I guess . . . always in my head a little bit. I didn’t mean to shut you out.”

“I don’t feel shut out really, it’s just . . .” Sauli stopped talking because Adam’s phone was ringing. Even with the volume up, the tone was so familiar it cut through the bass line and dominated their attention.

Sauli turned the dial on the stereo as Adam opened his phone. “Hey! . . . Yeah, how are you?” Sauli wandered over to the window. The sun had set over an hour ago. Adam had emerged from the den insisting he had to go to the studio for a little while. He was away longer than he planned, again. Whatever energy Sauli may have had for a date night was defused by the wait. “Oh that’s okay . . . No really, we can get together another time ‘coz . . . Yup. Uh-huh . . . Yeah, I think that’s an awesome idea, we can . . . right, right.” Adam was giving this conversation his flirty, delighted laugh, so it wasn’t business, but neither was he casually cursing, so it wasn’t a close friend either. Sauli wondered who would call on the weekend from the neutral zone. “Okay . . . you bet . . . you too . . . buh bye.” Adam joined Sauli at the window.

“Who was that?”

“Hans. Haveron.”

“The painter?”

“Yeah, he was going to come to the thing tomorrow, but he can’t make it.”

Sauli turned to face Adam and they held each other loosely. Sauli was brighter. “I had almost forgotten about the party.”

“Yeah, it’ll be fun.”

“I hope that landscaper comes. I have some ideas about that area on the other side of the pool, and I wonder if . . .” Sauli trailed off because Adam was looking passed him through the window.

“You little fuckers.” Adam said under his breath.

“What is it?” Sauli tried to look where Adam was looking. Adam crouched and approached the back door. Sauli followed. There were three raccoons scrambling in the twilight with trashbin items. Adam furtively turned the knob then popped up tall in the doorway and shouted.

“Hey!” The raccoons turned to look over their shoulders, but they were not startled. “Fuckers.”

“Here, let me try.” Sauli stepped in front of Adam and made cartoonish animal sounds somewhere between a chipmunk and an owl. Adam stared at him with a goofy grin on his face.

“There, see?” The bandits paused only a moment then scurried into the overgrowth beyond Adam’s property line.

“So you speak wildlife now?” Sauli just shrugged and grinned. “What did you say?”

“I don’t know, but I think they were insulted.”

Adam made a disgusted shake of his shoulders. “Eww, they’re like big rodents or something.”

“There are too many in Finland, but I think they’re cute.” Sauli closed the door again.

“I think YOU’RE cute.” He turned Sauli’s face side to side. “You need a little mask, though.” Adam smiled mischievously.

“What? What is it?” Sauli knew that look meant Adam wanted to play.

“Come on.” Adam turned the stereo back up . . . way up. He pulled Sauli across the room and galloped up the stairs. Adam made a lot of noise in the master bathroom. The sound system blared Bowie even upstairs. ‘Scary Monsters’ always freaked Sauli out a little bit. Bowie wrote it in the early 80’s as he was coming out of a very dark place where the ‘Thin White Duke’ resided for most of the previous decade. Adam had explained to him how masterful the results of his re-awakening album were as an artist. Adam, was in a similar place emerging in a new creative space after the ‘Idol album.’

“Adam?”

Adam finally presented a large cosmetics case. “Step into the lab.”

Sauli smiled warily. Adam pulled him into a sloppy kiss then literally hoisted him onto the sink counter. Sauli’s look of surprise prompted Adam to explain. “I’m going to paint you.”  
Adam had dug up the case from the bottom of the towel closet. Sauli had seen it before but never paid it much attention. Adam flung open the lid and arranged a variety of bottles and tins beside the sink. He screwed off tops and smelled the contents. There were powders and creams and colored glitter. He gave Sauli a once over looking at his face intently. Adam’s lids were slightly drooped in contemplation, then he shook himself alert.

“I’ll be right back.” Adam flew out of the room leaving Sauli perched above the tiles. In a few moments, a bluesy sax Bowie was stifled mid chorus, replaced by some funky punk electronica with vocals that seemed more instrumental than lyrical. Adam had forwarded to the next track, Ziggy Stardust. Adam’s inspiration changed as swiftly as his mood. He was just getting ready to hop off the sink to find where Adam had gone when he heard Adam’s thump thump thump up the stairs. He had two fresh drinks, and his jaw was set firm, purposeful. He flipped on the vanity bulbs and turned off the overhead light. It was dimmer, softer. Sauli took a sip of the chilled vodka and started to say something, but Adam hushed him with a finger to his lips. He nudged Sauli’s knees apart to make room for him to stand up close. He slipped Sauli’s tank top off over his head, seductively. He took one last study of Sauli’s face then set to work. Adam’s lips pursed in concentration. Occasionally he would loosen the grip on Sauli’s head, lean back and marvel at his work. Depending whether he was urged to look up or down, Sauli’s view was limited to the shell of Adam’s ear or the tattered pattern of holes on the neckline of his worn out t-shirt. It was threadbare and snug across Adam’s shoulders. Adam closed his eyes periodically and attempted to match a guitar riff or bass rhythm. His voice filled the room. Sauli felt the gentle whisps of air coming from Adam’s nostrils. He could smell the faintest hint of his underarms. The aural warmth from the physical proximity of his lover along with the internal ember of alcohol spreading across his chest made Sauli fidget. His seat felt too flat and heavy. The edge of the sink was biting into the back of his knee. He took hold of Adam’s hips and scooted forward. He hadn’t noticed before that Adam had developed a rather profound erection. Adam smiled and put his hand to Sauli’s thigh to keep him from sliding off, but he wouldn’t let Sauli get down.

Sauli whispered. “It’s enough, Adam.” Adam didn’t respond. He leaned in as if he were going for a kiss, but when he was close enough he merely flicked Sauli’s lips with the point of his tongue. He stood there hovering over Sauli’s body, pressed against the sink and weaving to the music which had turned into a lilting, repetitive cadence of keyboards that sounded like leaves twirling spasmodically in the wind. All of a sudden, Sauli felt smothered. He lifted his foot and pushed back against the mirror. His hand went reflexively to his crotch to reposition his junk in the bunch of his shorts. Adam’s eyes darkened. He spread his feet and started to breathe out of his mouth. He palmed his fly and huffed.

“My god, look at you.”

Sauli twisted around to see his reflection. His annoyance in addition to the black ocre mask made Sauli’s eyes look wildly intense. Adam had painted across his cheekbones short pointed shapes outlined in white, overlapping each other like feathers or scales. Above his brows were plumbs of fire and smoke that could have easily morphed into vines or sharp branches. The whole design was brought together by a series of dots along his jaw and the bridge of his nose. It was somehow both organic and industrial. When he caught Adam’s gaze in the mirror, his heart began to race. He turned around. He was glued to the spot by Adam’s stance. Adam crushed their mouths together smearing paint across his lips and chin. Adam loosened his own pants and fisted his cock. Sauli was mesmerized. Adam seemed dazed in some erotic trance. “Ah, Ah . . . UHH . . . nnngghhh” Adam couldn’t control how fast he was getting there. In no time at all he was coming. He couldn’t seem to quit the spasm and finally staccato stomped his foot like a pony. “Jesus, fuck!” He reached forward to steady himself. His fingertips were stained with pigment that he unintentionally smeared into the cum on Sauli’s stomach. Adam actually gasped when he saw what he had done, then he continued to “paint” until there were great sweeps of blue like waves cresting from belly button to nipple.

“Adam!”

Adam jumped, but his voice was still thready. “What? What’s the matter?”

“I want to get up now. Can I please get up?” Sauli turned on all the lights and washed off the mess on his belly.

“Sauli?” Adam’s voice was soft.

“I can’t hear you.” Sauli crossed the master bedroom and stepped out onto the veranda where he could see the edge of the city in the distance. The twinkle of those distant lights seemed mirrored by the moon-glittered grass. He heard the stereo go off, and the silence made his ears buzz. A moment later, Adam was beside him. Sauli still wore his mask.

“You look like you belong to the night.”

“Dark, lonely . . . ”

Adam was tender. “No, Sauli. That’s not what I meant. What’s going on with you?”

“Nothing.” They stood in silence for a moment leaning on the railing. “I should have agreed to go out.”

“It’s no big deal. The studio was a bad idea. I could have gone to the grocery with you.”

“Yes, because unfortunately, I came home with strawberries.”

Adam’s face was a puzzle. He blinked at least five times, then he put up his hands in surrender. “I don’t have any idea where your head is. I’m going in.”

Sauli stayed outside until he heard the TV come on. He went to the bathroom and put away Adam’s case. He took a long look in the mirror before he scrubbed away the paint. Spots of pigment that smeared the basin swirled into a kaleidoscope down the drain. He toweled his face roughly and checked his reflection just to make sure he recognized himself again. He took a shower. By the time he wandered downstairs, it was dark and quiet except for the refrigerator running. Sauli noticed tiny fragments of light in the kitchen . . . the clean button on the dishwasher, the coffee pot timer, the microwave clock, the phone charger. It was all so comforting somehow. He bent to see the moon in the window above the sink. It was the same as it had been outside, familiar. There was a bowl on the counter that Sauli didn’t remember leaving out. When he picked it up, it held a half dozen strawberry tops. Sauli felt his eyes sting. A pale blue computer glow came from under the door of the den. A yearning gripped him unexpectedly. He had to hold himself to keep from breaking down that damned closed door. Sauli willed himself into the living room. He surfed channels until he found a designing show he liked, one he hadn’t seen before. The next one was a repeat, and Sauli began to nod off. It was no use. Sauli rested his hand on a door panel. He heard the taps and clicks of a keyboard. He knocked.

“Yup.” Adam turned his attention to the door, but Sauli didn’t come all the way in.

“I’m going to bed.”

Adam worked his mouth. “Okay. I think I’ll stay up for a while.” He gestured vaguely to the monitor. Sauli noticed he had tabs open for Twitter, email, Youtube.

“When is everyone coming tomorrow?”

Adam stretched in his desk chair and lazily scratched his head. “About two. Mom’s bringing snacks. She found some new deli place that caters.”

“Okay, that sounds good.” There was a long pause, and he turned his gaze back to the computer. “Well, don’t stay up too late.”

“I won’t.” Sauli started to shut the door. “Sauli?” Adam got up and hesitantly reached for him. He hugged Sauli close. “I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

“I don’t know.” He looked so forlorn that Sauli touched his face.

“It’s all right.” They kissed goodnight.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At a casual party, Adam takes advice from Brad to help break the silence with Sauli. Talking takes them back to good. Touching takes them back to great.

It was Sunday. Adam had invited a few friends and acquaintances over to hang out. He knew people in practically every avenue of the entertainment industry including musicians, producers, fashion designers, graphic artists, and actors. When creative minds united, everyone benefited. It was an opportunity for them to bounce ideas off each other and perhaps get a reference or make a contact. Not everyone could come every time, but the ones who did rarely left without a phone number and a potentially lucrative project. The fact that they all had Adam in common made the conversation light and comfortable. When most everyone had a drink in hand, some meandered outside while some kicked back in Adam’s living room. It was the perfect way to spend a Sunday afternoon.

There was a group sitting on the couch looking at a photo album of some professional prints taken of Sauli. Adam left a copy of them from his portfolio on the coffee table along with a short stack of business cards for the photographer who couldn’t make it. Alison Porter came out from the kitchen munching on a handful of pretzel chips and looked over their shoulders. “Awwww, Adam has his own Malibu Barbie.” There was a burst of laughter just as Sauli came into the room. He looked around and smiled good-naturedly, but the laughing stopped abruptly when Adam entered.

"What's so funny?"

Sensing the awkwardness, Alison tried to make a joke. “God, tell me I’m not the only one who pierced and tattooed her Barbie dolls.” Adam asked if she had a wedding photographer yet and handed her a card. She started to talk about her fiancé, and that would be the topic for hours afterward. Sauli touched a photo lightly with his fingertip and walked away. Adam started to follow, but his mom called from the kitchen.

Brad Bell nearly bumped into Leila who held a large tray full of hors d’ oevres. “Oops, let me hold the door.”

“Thanks, Brad.” Leila was perpetually sunny.

“Is Adam in there?”

“Yup, he’s in the kitchen getting some more snacks ready. Isn’t it a beautiful day?”

“It is . . . gorgeous!” Brad held the door open a moment longer enough to see Sauli quietly sipping his drink and smiling pensively in a cluster of strangers.

“There you are.” Brad gave Adam a kiss on the cheek. Adam leaned into it and made a smooch with his lips but no contact. He was busy looking for another pair of serving tongs. “So what’s going on?”

“Hmm? What do you mean?”

“I mean there’s something wrong, and I want to know what it is.”

“There’s nothing wrong. I’m hosting. See? ” Adam put on an exaggerated smile and pointed at his face.

“You’re faking.”

“What could be wrong? I’m so fucking happy, I can barely stand myself.” Adam attempted to pick up the tray to take outside, but Brad stopped him and held out his hand.

“Hi, I’m Cheeks. We met once a long time ago, you might not remember me. I moved in and spent a couple years as your personal hood ornament. Ring a bell?”

Someone snickered in the hallway on the way to the bathroom obviously overhearing them. “Niiiice.”

“Granted, I was turned the other way quite a lot. I could show you my ass if that might jog your memory.”

“You are showing your ass. Besides, it’s ancient history.” Adam tried to push past him.

“History’s history, baby, and I know that look. Something’s wrong.”

“Why do I keep inviting you to these things?”

“Because I rarely come. Not because I don’t want to but out of respect for your current situation, and besides, I’ve been OTT busy lately.”

“How’s your new show going?”

“Good . . . really good like fucking awesome!”

“Nothing like a party for word of mouth, right?”

“I’ve accomplished a lot with my mouth.”

“No argument there.”

“You’re trying to change the subject.”

Adam gave in. He put the tray back on the counter. “Okay, you’re right. Sauli’s been really quiet.”

“Boy troubles, of course.”

“He’s got something on his mind that he won’t share with me.”

“I know the feeling.”

“Brad, seriously. I’ve been buried in the album, and I can’t help that, but we’ve stopped talking about it.”

“Do you want me to talk to him?”

“No.”

“Come on, who better than me for him to confide in about what a big, dumb prick you are?”

“Great, you’ll convince him to leave me.”

“You don’t have to go there. I left because you let me, and you know it.” When Brad exclaimed he couldn’t do it anymore, Adam could have reigned him back in like he always did. He had the power. Instead, he chose to bear the brunt of the misery himself and set Brad free.

“How long has it been?”

“A couple weeks, but last night something happened.”

“Ooooo really? Do tell.”

“We weren’t fucking.”

“Smoking?”

“Nope.”

“Drinking?” Adam gave him a look like that was a stupid question. “So drinking like when your earlobes get hot or drinking like you can’t feel your face?”

Adam was contemplating. “In between . . . two second delay.”

“So you didn’t notice when things got weird.” Adam shook his head. “Jesus, Adam what were you doing to him?”

Adam shrugged suddenly uncomfortable. “I painted him.”

“You kinky fuck.”

“It didn’t start out sexual. He’s so beautiful, just this perfect aesthetic.”

“Perfect ass, is more like it.” Adam rolled his eyes. “Adam, come on, it all comes down to sex with you eventually. Right?”

“Okay, yeah. I got off on it.”

“You got off on IT?”

“Yeah.”

“You said, ‘it’ and you meant Sauli.”

“You know what I meant.”

“Adam it’s one thing to be your partner, and a whole other fuckin’ freak out to be your muse.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You absorb everything including people. You’ve got this aura as big as . . . you fill entire venues to bursting with it. I don’t mean fans or even your voice. It’s just this energy. You, just you . . . like a fucking weather front . . . and you like, fling it full force on us.” Brad caught himself. “On him, especially.” Adam wanted to dismiss the idea. “Don’t you have any clue what you do to him or has he been fully assimilated?”

“No, dammit, I know who he is!”

“Does he . . . still?”

“I don’t know.”

“Adam, all I’m saying is, he left his home, a career, his whole world. Can you at least give him a shred of identity?”

“I do! You make it sound like I’m this smothering wretch, and I’m not. I didn’t absorb you.”

Brad bristled. “I wouldn’t let you.”

“Look, it wasn’t that weird. We used to get all dressed up with make-up and costumes . . . the works.”

“We were clubbing, then. It was part of the party. Are you telling me this was the same thing?”

“No. I don’t know. I don’t know what gets into me. I prepare. I create. I love. And Sauli is all of those things for me.”

“Did you tell him that?”

Adam looked beyond the doorway to make sure no one was around then he stepped closer to Brad and pointed at his eye. “Look at this.”

Brad squinted. “The whites are a little pinkish but otherwise shadow-less. No liner today?”

“No, look again . . . crow’s feet.” Adam said it like this revelation was totally self-explanatory.

“They make you look distinguished.”

“I’m not a club kid anymore. I really believe this is it for me, Brad. Sauli is the one. But lately, he’s acting a lot like . . . you, only less bitchy and obnoxious.”

Brad was unaffected. “Stop worrying. Sauli’s not there yet.”

“Yet?” Adam went from vexed to vulnerable like flipping a switch. Brad remembered his attempts to jump those emotional canyons and breathed deeply. He was no longer enlightened by that particular exhaustion, but he was also suddenly certain he had to talk to Sauli. It might have gotten bad already. Adam had fallen harder and faster than before. Brad hadn’t made much of an attempt to get to know Sauli. It was the least he could do.

“Let me talk to him.” Brad put the flat of his hand on Adam’s chest and lightly patted him. “I’m sure it’s nothing.” Brad turned to go then had one last thought. “Have you considered taking Sauli to Burning Man? This life . . .” He gestured in a big swooping circle. “All of it might make a lot more sense to him. Just think about it.”

Adam took the tray to a table where at least a dozen people gathered to be in his company. He looked over their heads to make sure Brad found Sauli. It was odd to see both the loves of his life in one frame. Other boyfriends had come and gone, but Brad was the only one who warranted the title ‘ex’ by Adam’s definition. He loved Brad, and somehow they had remained friends. With Sauli it was different. Although Adam wasn’t willing to admit it to anyone, Sauli had become a part of him. If they ever broke up, Adam knew he would lose him forever. It would be akin to losing a vital organ inside his own body. Adam shuddered to think it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Did you do the master bedroom?”

“What?” Sauli wasn’t sure what Brad was asking.

“I mean design it . . . pick out the colors and such. I’m sorry, but I peeped. Can I sit?”

“Oh, that’s okay. Yes, please.” He gestured for Brad to join him. “I made suggestions. Well, it was my idea, but Adam had a hand in it.”

“Of course. I can tell, though, that you’ve influenced him.”

“Thank you. I like to think so.” Brad had eased himself into a lounge chair beside Sauli so they could stare out at the horizon and talk without the distraction of looking at each other.

“I’ve noticed. I think all of us have noticed that Adam’s in a good place right now, you know, calmer, more settled.”

“Yes, that’s me . . . easy-going Sauli.” Sauli mockingly toasted himself.

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

“Not bad. Boring maybe.” There it was. Brad was onto something.

“Adam has such a big personality. Anyone nearby seems quiet in comparison even when he isn’t saying anything. That’s why we split, you know. I’m just as loud. When we were both in the room, we drowned each other out.”

Sauli relaxed. “All of Adam’s friends have welcomed me, but I’m still different. Just like this party, Adam is always surrounded by such dynamic people. I’m so . . . tame, I guess . . . domestic, right?”

“Nobody wants a party all the time. It’s nice to have something normal to come home to.”

“Normal . . . right.” Again, Sauli said the word like it was a curse. Had last night been ‘normal’?

“So what do you two do at home?” It seemed like Brad had read his mind. Sauli blushed and looked down. Brad smiled knowingly. “I mean besides ridiculous amounts of crazy-great sex.”

“We talk. We laugh about things. We listen to music and watch TV. I like to cook for him.” All the while, Sauli smiled blissfully, but he immediately shrugged it off as if he were apologizing for the banality.

“So what you’re saying is, you connect.”

“Yes, I suppose so.”

“Do you know what Adam and I did while we were together?” Sauli shook his head. “We competed . . . nonstop. It was a race over EVERYTHING.”

“Why?”

“Good question!” Brad scratched the back of his head. “Adam and I were restless. We both felt like the next big thing was just around the corner. Adam found his first.” Brad looked wistful. “When he told me he was going to do American Idol, I knew it was over for us. I knew that was a road I couldn’t follow.” Brad pressed his lips tight. “So we split.”

“Are you sorry?”

“Not anymore. I mean it hurt for a long time, but I know now that we wouldn’t have been able to make it last. It was a good time to break. We’ve moved on.”

“I don’t know. Adam is still restless even now. He rants, you know.”

Brad rolled his eyes. “Oh, honey, I remember very well the rants.” Across the yard, Adam tilted his head back and laughed. Sauli was drawn to the sound.

“So I listen. I tell him he’s right, but only when he really is. It’s harder when he’s fighting with himself. I give him space. He goes into the den and listens to demos. He sings the same passages over and over again with just the slightest differences. He’s on the phone a lot, so much business. I leave the door closed until he comes out . . . when he’s ready. If he sits too long, just staring, I encourage him to get up and go with me . . . to walk, to eat. Those are the smiles l love best when Adam looks at me like he’s missed me even though I was there all along.”

“Sauli, do you know how rare that is? Do you have any idea how hard it is to do that?” Brad shrugged. “You’re perfect for him. Honestly, the perfect match, Sauli.”

“Is it enough? To be someone’s partner, just be?”

“I couldn’t do it, but I don’t think I gave Adam enough credit. If something happened for you, and you wanted to do something about it like designing or journalism or whatever, could you? Would Adam be cool with that?”

“Yes, I think so. He encourages me, my interests.”

“Of course he does.” Brad was smiling broadly now. “Adam is in love with you, stupid, and there’s no limit in sight. I think, this is about you, Sauli, not Adam. He’s fine. He’s beyond fine . . . he’s approaching nirvana territory.”

“You know, it’s funny. Being with Adam is so . . . wonderful, but it isn’t what I thought it would be. I’ve always been a very happy person even when I was searching to find myself, but now that I have this perfect life, I’m filled with doubt. What are people supposed to do when their dreams come true?”

“I haven’t the slightest idea, honey! I think the world would like to know, if you’re willing to share.” They sat back in their chairs and watched Adam. He flashed them a guarded smile.

“Does he know we are talking about him?”

“Uh-huh. He sent me out here.”

“I thought so.”

Brad was surprised. “Really? I thought I was smoother than that.”

“When you don’t know the language so well, you listen. You hear more than just the words. You find meaning in many ways. I notice, you don’t bullshit.”

Brad was intrigued. “I think practically everyone on the planet would disagree with you. Bullshit is my middle name.”

Sauli frowned and shook his head. “Well, they’re wrong. You tell a funny story, but it’s with purpose. Sarcasm is not deceit. You get information back from others. It’s very clever.”

“I think you’re the clever one, Sauli. I underestimated you. So you can read Adam too, right?”

“Mostly, but he is so reserved sometimes.”

“It’s because he’s worried he’ll scare you away.”

Sauli looked shocked. “Scare me away? I was afraid he’d grow tired of me.”

“Well, I think we’ve clearly established you’re both idiots.” Sauli tisked something in Finnish as he marveled over the irony. “The real test is coming, you know.” Brad was serious. “Get ready, Sauli. You haven’t even seen yet what superstardom is really about.” Sauli nodded solemnly. They studied Adam across the lawn. “Have you heard the new album?”

“Yes, but it’s unfinished.”

“How is it?”

“It’s . . .” Sauli faltered for words. “It’s Adam . . . all of him.” Brad nodded that he understood perfectly and sighed. Adam was on his way over, unable to stay away a second longer.

“They’re taking bets over what you two are talking about.” Brad and Sauli looked at each other rather innocently.

“Let’s see, we talked about the bedroom and how loud you are.”

Sauli laughed and pointed at Brad. “There it is! You made my point.”

“That’s really what you two were talking about?”

Sauli left no doubt. “Yes, it is exactly what we were talking about. You should be very flattered.” He and Brad couldn’t stop laughing. It seemed they had an inside joke.

Adam looked at his feet. “Okay, then, sorry to interrupt. I’m just going to go back over there and tell Cota he wins the pot.” Adam raised his glass in Jonny’s direction.

Jonny whooped. “I told you so, you narcissistic bastard!”

Adam gave him the finger. Jonny blew a kiss. “That’s the thanks I get for trying to be sensitive.”

Brad put his palm to his forehead. “Oh that’s right! I was supposed to ask you how you’re feeling, Sauli. You good?”

“Yes, I feel fantastic.”

“I wish I did.” Sauli could tell Adam wasn’t really mad.

“Don’t pout. I think I can make you feel better.” He stood up and took Adam by the hand.

Adam brightened immediately. “Oh, my goodness.”

“You can entertain our guests a few moments can’t you, Brad?”

“Of course. You kids take all the time you need. If anyone asks, I’ll just tell them you went inside to fuck for a few minutes.”

“Great, my mom’s here.”

“Oh, that’s right, I meant to ask Leila about her shoes.” He put a hand over his eyes to shield the sun. “Whoever it is she’s talking to, I’m sure he’d like to meet me.” And Brad was off to mingle.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sauli led Adam into the guest bedroom and shut the door. Adam leaned in and they kissed. “What are we doing exactly?”

“I just wanted you to myself for a minute. We haven’t talked in awhile.”

“I’m sorry about last night. I didn’t mean to creep you out.”

“It wasn’t creepy. Well, yes, it was sort of creepy. It just felt odd like you forgot I was there.”

Adam smoothed the front of Sauli’s shirt with his knuckles. “When I listen to music sometimes I see things like shapes and colors. When I was a kid, I told my voice teacher about it. She called it synesthesia.” Sauli was squinting trying to register the word. “Anyway, that part doesn’t matter, it’s just that when we’re at home just the two of us, the wine, and there’s music, I feel . . . transported. It’s a zone, I guess. And sometimes it gets dark and kind of overwhelming, but it isn’t scary. I don’t want you to be scared. I’m there, and you’re there. You just . . . last night, you became the music right in front of my eyes. That’s never happened before.” Sauli’s face was blank. “I’m still freaking you out, aren’t I?”

“No. Not really.” He reached for Adam’s hands and held them. “I want it, even if I don’t completely understand. If I get creeped out, I should just say something to snap out of it, right?”

Adam chuckled. “You mean like a safe word? That’s perfect. What’s going to be our creep out safe word?”

“I don’t know. I have to be inspired.”

“I think I know the perfect place for the inspiration you need.”

“You mean right here in the bedroom.” Sauli cuddled up closer, and Adam embraced him.

“No, but it’s a surprise. I’ve got to make sure we can get tickets.”

“Are you taking me somewhere?”

“I want to take you everywhere.” They kissed again, long and lingering. Adam rested against the wall. Sauli pulled Adam’s shirt from his pants and slipped his hand underneath caressing Adam’s stomach in slow sweeping circles. Adam loved a tummy rub. Sauli could make him melt. He continued to get lower until he was teasing Adam’s waistband with his fingertips. Sauli licked his lips and raised a challenging eyebrow. “Sauli, there are people out there.”

“I know. We could make it, though, depending on how fast you can come.”

“After last night I’m beginning to worry!” Sauli started giggling. “God, what was that, a minute maybe?” Adam mocked himself making Sauli laugh even harder. “Ah AH AH . . . ooohhhh . . . I’m done. Seriously, I haven’t beat off that fast since I was a teenager.”

“No worries. . . you’re all man . . . my man.”

“You say things like that, and I want to suck your cock down my throat.”

“Later . . . have my tongue.” Sauli grabbed Adam’s shirt and pulled him down. Adam moaned and made a wide swipe across Sauli’s mouth with his tongue. Sauli gave it up, and Adam sucked him in. Sauli wrapped his hands around Adam’s waist. He tugged at his hips until Adam groaned again. “Okay, we should stop.”

“Noooooooo . . . dammit.”

“Come on, pull yourself together.”

“Cock tease.”

“When all of these lovely people have gone, you can fuck me. And then we have to watch TV.”

“Trueblood’s on!!”

“That’s right.”

“I wanna do bad things to you.”

Sauli giggled again. “Yes, this is one of my accomplishments.”

“Hey, is that what this is all about? You think that you’re just some kind of sex toy for me. Do I make you feel like that?”

“No, Adam, it isn’t you.”

“I know I tease you sometimes about being my arm candy, but it’s because I honestly cannot get over how fucking lucky I am to have such a beautiful man in my life.”

“I’m the lucky one. I forget, and I need to stop doing this.”

“I’m so grateful to you, Sauli. The sacrifices you made just to be with me . . .”

“Adam, my life was so empty without you. It was no sacrifice. You are a gift.”

“Listen, after Idol, I gave up on ever being completely happy. I couldn’t make my personal life and my professional life go together. I had to choose when I was with Brad and then Drake. After we met and we fit together so well, I kept waiting for it to happen . . . that moment when I’d know this is the beginning of the end. When you finally moved in, I realized that with you, it wasn’t a matter of making my love life fit in with my career. Being with you is making my career possible. I’m a better businessman, a better artist because you’re with me. It’s not just because you make me dinner or sleep in my bed. You make me move. You make me think. You make me believe. You’re not my arm candy, Sauli. You’re my rock.”

Sauli was overcome. “I’m so sorry that I doubted you, that I had to hear it before I could understand.”

“I’m the one who’s sorry for not saying it until now.”

“I love you, Adam.”

“I love you, too, so much.” They held each other and breathed more deeply than they had in days. A tight cord that had wrapped itself around them simply loosened and fell away.

“We really should get back out to our guests, you know.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” Adam yanked at his inseam. “At least I can take a piss now. I’ll be out in a minute?”

“Yet another thing that only takes a minute with you.” Sauli grinned ear to ear.

“Uh-huh, keep talking. You’d better get ready for the ride of your life, baby.”

“I can’t wait.”

Sauli was downright bubbly with their company the rest of the afternoon. The sunlight was brilliant, a little too hot in the late afternoon sky, but a southwesterly breeze promised a cooler evening to come. Adam spoke to every single person and made each of them feel they were the sole purpose for having such a party in the first place. On Brad’s way out, he called and waved to Adam who waved back.

“Thank you, Brad.” Sauli gave him a soft peck on the cheek.

“Call me Cheeks. Everyone does.”

“Thank you, Cheeks. You made me feel a lot better.”

Cheeks beamed. “Aw, don’t mention it. Counseling . . . yet another thing I’m amazing at. I think you’re more like me than I realized, you know, good at a lot of things.”

“Perhaps. I hope so. I want to give Adam whatever he needs.” Sauli saw him to the door. He found Adam speaking to Jonny. Sauli came over and rested his chin on Adam’s shoulder.

“Hey, there you are.” Adam kissed the top of his head then he returned his attention to Jonny. “I just wasn’t sure because everywhere I’ve gone they’re sold out.”

“Sold out? Bitch, please. I will GET you tickets. You guys may have to shack up with us if that’s cool.”

“That’s totally cool. It’s going to be a blast.”

“You know it. The theme this year is Rites of Passage.”

“No way. That is so fucking perfect!”

Sauli had to know what was going on. “Adam, where are we going?”

Adam moved his arm up over Sauli’s head and pulled him in next to his chest. “We’re going to Burning Man.”

Sauli was stunned. “The festival in the desert?”

“Uh-huh. Are you excited?”

“Oh my God, Adam! Yes, I’m excited. It’s wonderful fun, right?”

Jonny was gratified by Sauli’s excitement. “It is a life-changing experience, mind-bending. You won’t be the same afterward.”

Sauli looked at Adam expectantly, and Adam confirmed Jonny’s claims with an enthusiastic nod. Getting to experience Burning Man with Sauli was going to make a memory he knew he would always treasure. He was beaming with anticipation. Why hadn’t he thought of this before? He owed Brad big time.

As the last of the guests smooched and said their good-byes, Adam and Sauli were desperate to be alone. They scrambled up the stairs laughing and kissing as they undressed each other. It wasn’t quite dark out, so they both could see by the pink fire glow of the sky. Then when they were perfectly naked on the bed they slowed it down and just held each other. They had time.

“It's been a while since we were like this.”

“Too long.” Adam kneaded Sauli’s ass. “I missed this so much.”

“You were tired. I wasn’t sure you wanted to.”

“Well, we have got to communicate better, that’s for sure.”

Sauli stroked the hair on Adam’s chest. “All that time while we were quiet, what is the worst thing you thought?”

Adam rubbed his lips on Sauli’s forehead. “I thought one day I’d come back from the studio, and you’d be gone . . . just a note.”

“I would never do that. I promise if I ever dump you, I’ll do it to your face.”

“Thanks . . . I think. What was your worst thought?”

“That eventually, you would only want me to be your houseboy.”

Adam laughed, “What?”

“It’s not so ridiculous. You might decide you want me to greet you at the door in an apron and nothing else.”

“Okay, is it wrong that I find that idea totally hot?”

“Not if you are willing to do the same.”

“Me, in an apron?”

“Well, maybe not an apron . . .”

“I need at least a g-string, honey or . . . seriously, I’d be bumping into things.”

Sauli shoved him in the shoulder. “You are so boastful, it’s shameless!”

“I’m just saying it’s out there, and if I’ve gotta walk around naked with you in an apron, shit’s gonna get broken.”

Sauli giggled. “I’d be following behind with my little dustpan and . . .”

“Whoa, okay, I just got an image that totally did it for me. We have got to get this show on the road.” Sauli loved the weight of him, but tonight he wanted something else. Sauli wanted to actually give himself not just offer. He rolled on top and straddled Adam’s hips. He kept his position by grabbing Adam’s hands and holding him down. “Ooooooo, that’s right. You wanted a ride.” Adam wriggled his body and Sauli hung on still balanced by his hands. Adam bucked playfully underneath him. Sauli had a good grip with his legs too. He wasn’t going anywhere.

“You know I was very masculine before I met you.”

“You still are.”

“I mean I was a real tough guy.”

Adam blinked. “I have a picture of you in a pink tutu.”

Sauli guffawed. “It isn’t about the clothes.”

“But, . . . pink tutu . . . ”

“You wore a pink dress once.”

“And I looked A-MAZING!”

“I think I make you look amazing.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. Would you like to try me on?”

“Come ‘ere!”

Sauli leaned forward until their stomachs were touching. He whispered. “I think I have something in your size.”

Adam pressed his fingers between Sauli’s cheeks. “It fits perfectly.” They didn’t need to speak anymore. Their bodies were so accustomed to each other, the preparation and pleasure were seamless. They took turns applying lubricant. Sauli gave Adam free reign over the outside and the inside of his body. Sauli’s touch created a hum in Adam’s core reminding him he was indeed a vessel for music. Adam closed his eyes and felt absolutely everything. When Sauli lined up, Adam’s eyes flashed open, and they stared at one another several seconds until Adam reached for the night stand.

Sauli smiled shyly, “Oops.” Adam searched his face as he slipped the condom on. There was no mistake. Adam’s heart nearly thudded out of his chest, but he’d have to think about taking such a big step later. Sauli was sliding down, down, down, and Adam was temporarily out of his mind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Later that night on the couch, Adam lay full length with his head in Sauli’s lap watching TV. They still weren’t talking much, but this time, their touching connected them far deeper than words. This time what remained unsaid was so intimate, it could wait for a special moment to be spoken. Adam sang silly and low all through the credits of Trueblood making Sauli shiver with delight. “How does that get you every time?”

“I don’t know, Adam." Sauli threaded his fingers through Adam's hair. "I think this will never get old.”

(to be continued . . .)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam and Sauli had been living a fantasy, but Burning Man made it real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *EDIT: I have modified my original post. I made a change at the end of this chapter correcting details about the burning of the man. I desire primarily to entertain, but I strive to be accurate when I do it.

Adam’s beard had grown in. He kept it trimmed close, sculpting his chin into that cavalier goatee the paps said made him look like a devilish pirate. Adam felt particularly masculine letting his facial hair grow. His style whims were sometimes motivated by environment and sometimes by intuition but always, always self-image. Adam liked his face today. That was the sum of it. Adam was brushing his teeth wearing nothing but underpants. He had the door of the bathroom open to clear some of the steam from one of his marathon showers. The fog on the glass was gone. Adam looked at himself quizzically and reached behind. He pulled the waistband down and tried to see his butt cheek in the mirror. Sauli came in.

“Would you like to be alone?”

Adam smiled bashfully around his toothbrush. “I bet this looks funny.”

“I assure you it’s still back there.” Sauli put some product in his hair.

“I think I’ve got a bruise or something. It hurts.”

“Here let me look.” Adam was going to say it wasn’t necessary, but he was spitting. Sauli yanked his briefs down.

“Hello.”

“Hold still.” Sauli touched him. “Is it this?”

“Ow! What is that?”

Sauli was matter-of-fact. “You have a blemish on your bottom.”

“Great. I’m almost thirty. Why does this keep happening to me?”

Sauli’s eyes were still on Adam’s rear. He made a face. “I should get it.”

“Sauli, no. It’s mortifying.”

“It will only take a minute. Let me get the alcohol.”

“Seriously, I need first aid?”

“You want me to do this right, don’t you?”

“I don’t want you to do it at all.”

Sauli paused for a second. He decided. “I’m going to get it.”

Adam chided his reflection. “Some rock star. Your boyfriend pops zits on your ass.” Sauli got positioned. Adam stood there exposed, leaning on the sink. “God, just kill me now.”

“Oh, don’t be so embarrassed. I’ve been on my knees before.”

Adam laughed. “You know, while you’re down there. If you got a min . . . OWWW! Fuck, are you done?”

“Almost . . . one more.”

Adam gritted his teeth and growled. “Please tell me that was it.”

“All done.” Sauli dabbed him with alcohol, and Adam hissed. “There, good as new.” He patted Adam’s hip.

Adam pulled his underpants back up. “So glad you make house calls, doctor.”

Sauli played along. “You’re due for a thorough check up, Mr. Lambert.”

“How thorough?” Adam invaded his space.

“Extremely thorough . . . very extensive testing.”

“Oooooh, well, I should make an appointment, then.”

“I think you should clear an entire afternoon just to be sure.”

“It could take hours.”

“Hours and hours.” They kissed a loose, lippy smooch. “You know, I got my results letter yesterday.”

Adam blinked that message into clarity. “Yesterday? All clear?”

“All clear.” They smiled at each other sheepishly. They had been together nine months. For them, it just seemed a natural progression to their intimacy to have tests done. It also afforded them other possibilities in bed.

“And you were going to tell me, when?”

“I was waiting for a special occasion.”

“Now! Now is VERY special.”

Sauli giggled. “No, Adam. We have to go shopping for our Burning Man things.”

“We can shop later.” Adam was walking Sauli backwards.

“Yes, but I don’t want to jump into bed and get all sweaty and then have to shower again. It’s so much trouble.” Sauli stuck out his lip.

“So you’re going to torture me instead.”

“I’ve already tortured you enough this morning.”

“Yeah, that hurt! What if I can’t sit down?”

“Sit down? Are you honestly looking for sympathy from me?”

They were laughing now. “I guess I can stand it.”

“There’s something about you needy like this that’s so cute.”

“I could go from cute to completely fuckin’ adorable in less than ten. Just say the word.”

“I have a word for you.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Wait.”

Adam frowned. “I hate wait.”

“So do your fans. They aren’t going to be happy with your news.” Sauli tapped Adam on the nose and went to the closet.

Adam followed. “Do I have to tell them?”

“Yes, you have to tell them.” Sauli picked up some laundry and folded it absentmindedly.

Adam got dressed. The finishing touches on the album swiftly became a major creative reconsideration. Adam wanted to explore a few offers from producers that could take his career even further than he imagined. The time was now. Even though he had enough tracks in the can to cut an anthology, a more urban R&B sound would take his recordings from just okay to awesome. This new approach would put off the release date a few more months at least. “When we get back, I’ll tell them.”

“Suit yourself . . . Is this good to take?” Sauli had a dark blue hoodie in his hand.

Adam pinched it between his finger and thumb. “Nah, probably not . . . too hot for day and not warm enough for night.”

Sauli tossed it dramatically. “I don’t have anything right.”

“We need to go shopping.”

“This is what I’ve been saying.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adam took his shopping seriously. He had guessed Sauli’s shirt size and inseam within minutes of meeting him. It was just something Adam did with men. He had surprised Sauli with a new outfit when he arrived in Paris. Of course, he wore it about five minutes before they were naked for a week. Since then, every time Sauli put on those pants, Adam would wink and say, ‘They look like new.’ Sauli would respond, ‘Hardly ever worn.’ Then they would giggle like teenagers remembering how in Paris they had discovered each other’s bodies like map makers in a new world.

Adam scanned the stores surmising right away if they were going to offer the pieces he needed to clothe his boy appropriately. He busied himself with accessories like scarves, gloves, and goggle shades knowing all too well the extremes of the weather in Black Rock City. He talked Sauli into layers and sensible footwear to add to the combat boots he already owned. Variety was key. Still he was looking for a signature piece that would bring it all together. At a vintage boutique, Adam found a silver jacket with black fur around the hood. “Oh, baby . . . THIS!” He held it against Sauli’s chest.

Sauli was skeptical. “Really?”

Adam’s eyes were saucer-certain. “Uh-huh . . . it’s hot, seriously.”

Sauli lifted his arms under the sleeves and smiled. “I like it.” Adam helped him try it on. It fit.

“Yeah, I’m gonna get it for sure.” Once Adam had fulfilled his mission, they could just play. They clacked plastic hangers right to left, down the racks pulling out only the ugliest of shirts and the most ridiculous pants. They found the costumes section and Adam was totally distracted by the aspect of Halloween. Sauli nudged him to look. He tossed his head and draped a slinky French maid number over his shoulder. Adam laughed.

“I’m going to go try this on.”

“Don’t you dare.”

“I think it suits me very nicely.”

“Sauli, I’m not kidding. I will hump you like a dog right here in the store.”

Sauli side-eyed Adam mischievously and let the lacy fabric brush Adam’s arm. “I suppose it’s much too tight anyway.”

Adam clamped his jaws and exhaled sharply out his nose, but he didn’t have to make any further threats. Sauli spun away giggling. That’s when Adam saw the red suit. At that moment it seemed to embody the passion he felt. He was drawn to it immediately. He took it off the rack and checked the tags. There were no longer any labels in it for sizing.

“Try it on.” Sauli was smiling broadly.

“You think?”

“Yes, you must. It’s just right.”

Adam grinned. He called the attendant by name, and the man nodded his okay. Adam helped himself into the dressing rooms. They were very crude with only a mirror, a hook, a corner bench, and a curtain. Adam held Sauli’s shoulder for balance as he toed off his boots. Then he closed the curtain. Sauli stood in the clearing and waited. He heard the whisper of a zipper and the clunk of Adam’s heavy belt when it hit the floor. Sauli looked below as Adam stepped out of his jeans. He knew Adam would scratch his balls. He knew Adam would suck in his tummy before looking in the mirror. Sauli held his new jacket close to his chest and rubbed his cheek against the fur. Adam emerged. The blood red pants sat low on Adam’s hips. He was holding up his t-shirt just an inch or two so Sauli could check the line of the waistband. His skin was showing down low where the teaser nibbles go.

“They’re a little snug in the seat, but this fabric gives a little.” Adam turned around. “What do you think?” Sauli couldn’t decide which was more glorious. The bulge in front between the long, long stretch of his thighs or the curve of his firm, rounded ass in back. These pants looked like they had come to life, turned on by the touch of Adam’s body. “Well?”

Sauli had to clear this throat. “I think you’ve lost weight. You’ve been wearing your pants too big.” He started talking with his hands. “This . . . I think, yes, . . . this, the red, and . . . it’s so, . . .”

Adam just stood there a moment then he started to smile. “I need to write a book of shopping advice. Rule number one, if the pants you try on make your boyfriend speak caveman . . . buy them.”

Sauli put his hand over his face. “My god, Adam, go take them off before I get arrested.”

“That good, huh?” Adam cackled. “I still need to check out the jacket. Can you stand it?”

“It will take every ounce of control.”

Adam became playfully haughty. “Sorry ‘bout it. You had your chance this morning. Now who has to wait?” He punctuated his head roll with a swift peck at the corner of Sauli’s mouth. He literally pranced over to the hanger and snapped the jacket dramatically in the air. He slipped his shoulders in and pulled at the sleeves. He didn’t even have to ask this time. Sauli simply shaking his head and cursing in Finnish was enough to convince Adam, it too was a perfect fit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adam tossed their purchases into the trunk as Sauli slipped into the passenger side. Adam got in swiftly, ever mindful for paps and stuck the key in the ignition. “Do you want to shop some more? Get a bite to eat?” Sauli unhooked his seatbelt and crawled over the console. He grabbed Adam’s head with both hands and kissed him hard. He filled Adam’s mouth with his tongue and rubbed his wet lips side to side before pressing his face even harder, making Adam open up wide. Adam whined in surrender, and Sauli finished it with a decisive lip-smacking smooch. Adam wore a dreamy expression. “So you want me to buy you a car? a house? a small island? You name it, you got it.”

Sauli grinned. “I want only your heart alone. I want for you to take me home and make love to me.”

“Did I tell you today how crazy in love I am with you?”

“Yes . . . every time you look at me.”

Adam took Sauli’s hand and pressed it to his chest. “It’s yours.” They kissed softly this time. Sauli climbed back into his seat, and they drove slowly but purposefully enjoying the silence between them. Once they were home, they went through all the usual motions of coming in. They got a drink, went to the bathroom, checked messages. They carried their bags upstairs, and finally . . . there they were in the bedroom, their destination. Adam smiled. “Why are we being so shy?”

“I don’t know. It’s silly.”

“Am I pressuring you into this?”

“You’re not. I want to.”

“It’s a big step for us, right? Being together like this the first time?”

Sauli shrugged. “Being like this ever.”

Adam was taken by surprise. “You’ve never . . . bare-backed, like ever?” Sauli looked down. Now it was out there. Adam put both his hands on top of his head and stepped backward. “Sauli! No wonder you wanted it to be a special occasion. No wonder you wanted to wait. God, I’m such a jerk!”

“No, Adam! I didn’t tell you. It’s all right.”

“Honey . . . wow. Oh my god. This just went to a whole other level.”

“See, I’ve made you nervous now.”

Adam reached for him. “No you didn’t . . . well, kind of, but it’s okay. Listen. Let’s go to that market down the street. We’ll get a bottle of wine, some flowers. We can cook something together and light candles. I can make us a new playlist, just for this . . .”

Sauli put his finger to Adam’s lips. “Adam. I want to do all of those things . . . later. Wine and candles cannot make me feel any closer to you than I do this moment.” Sauli began to undress.

“Okay, then . . . okay.” Adam had to consciously move slower than the tempo of his heartbeat. Otherwise, he might have tripped in his boot laces or been strangled by his t-shirt. As it was, the two of them settled into their familiar dance, kissing and touching with Adam taking the lead. They had made love in the daytime before, but there was the added modesty of a first time again. Their relationship had survived a long separation early on. Over the months that followed, they had evolved into something stronger than an initial crush. They were finding their way into a long term commitment. It was a vulnerable time when decisions were made that created further permanency. It required sensitivity, especially for Sauli who had the added burden of cultural transitions. Adam wanted to be gentle with him now. They made out for several minutes just sensing each other. Adam took his time. He swept his hands across the length of Sauli’s body, tenderly working his flesh until it was warm and supple. Sauli stroked himself as Adam lubed his fingers and one by one, relaxed Sauli’s body to receive him. Adam loved this part of their foreplay, watching Sauli go mellow and open up at this touch. Adam could take Sauli all the way there with his fingers alone, but whenever Sauli chose, he would grasp Adam’s wrist as a signal he wanted more. This is what Sauli did now. Adam carefully withdrew his fingers, but he kept his hand where it was still caressing, circling. Adam whispered to him. “It’s going to feel . . . you’re going to feel . . . more.” Sauli nodded. Adam rose up on his knees. He used more lube. Sauli crossed his legs behind Adam’s back. All of a sudden Adam’s face lit up realizing how special this was and how perfect for it to be broad daylight with no other sounds than their breathing. Sauli beamed back at him. Adam bit his lip and guided himself inside Sauli’s body. His eyebrows arched and his mouth came open. “Oh my god, Sauli . . . it’s so, so good.” Adam just lingered there absorbing the rush of pleasure that tingled through his body. Sauli squeezed Adam’s arms. It certainly was more . . . a lot more.

“Please, Adam, move. I might die.”

Adam started to pull out. “Too much?”

Sauli grabbed Adam’s hips. “No, I need you . . . move now.” Adam was glad to. He studied Sauli’s face for the slightest twitch to clue him how much Sauli could take. When Sauli breathed more deeply, Adam knew he could step up the pace. There were several exquisite sensations in pressure, texture, and friction for both of them that made their mouths tremble, suddenly fluent in sex babble. Sauli pushed Adam back so he could swing his legs up further. His ankles were now beside Adam’s ears. Adam rocked forward and lifted Sauli off the bed except for his shoulders. They were almost there. This angle was always particularly good for them because Sauli was so flexible. Adam went deeper. Sauli came first but only fractions of a second before Adam. Adam held back as long as he could making sure to stroke Sauli through his, but once he felt Sauli’s spasm, he couldn’t stop the rock solid punch in his lower back. Adam rode his climax like a great arcing wave then collapsed on his side. He rested for a moment just watching for Sauli to come down. Sauli was still pretty wound. He reached between his legs with both hands and felt himself. He groaned.

Adam was cautious. “I can pull out next time if you’d rather. Are you okay?”

“Adam, you’re still inside me . . . still.” He pulled Adam closer until they were face to face. “Ah, I can’t, I can’t.” Adam held him. “I feel you, Adam . . . so hot . . . so wet. You don’t know what this does to me. I feel like I might come again. It’s impossible.”

“You keep talking like this, and I’m going to come again.” Adam didn’t want to be glib, but he didn’t know what to say. He had never seen Sauli this undone.

Sauli was clinging to Adam’s arms, tonguing his neck. “Adam, I want to. I want the taste of you, the smell of you . . . it’s so much . . . I could lose myself, you see.”

Adam held him tightly. “It’s the same for me, Sauli. You make me crazy. Sometimes, when we first wake up, I can smell you, and I have to taste your skin. I swear, I could eat you like an animal.”

“So this is what it is to be pieces of each other . . . like soul mates?”

“Yes, it must be. I’ve never felt like this before, not this intense.”

“I can’t imagine anything more than today, more than this.”

“Well, actually . . .”

“What? Adam what else is there?”

Adam kissed Sauli’s ear and whispered. “I want you to top me later.” Sauli sighed then rolled out of bed. “Hey, where are you going?”

“I’ll be back in a moment. I’m going to get a drink and write my will.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Later that week, Adam was on the phone with Jonny Cota. “This suit is siiiick! It’s red! . . . I’m dead serious. Head to toe, all of it. . . . No! Not like Santa! What he fuck? . . . I do. . . . I do! I still have the top hat! No shit! I’m gonna be like a Victorian ring master! . . . Yeah, for real. The greatest show on earth, motherfuckers!”

They continued to talk about the final arrangements for Burning Man. Adam and Sauli were going to have to air taxi in because of a conflict in Adam’s schedule. Jonny agreed to drive Adam’s trailer while one of his friends drove his van. They’d have to share bikes, but it was rare for everyone to go somewhere all at once. Even if they did, walking was always an option. The trailer was already stocked with blankets and towels, a first aid kit, water containers, wet wipes, dry goods, Ziploc bags, garbage bags, and rubber maid tubs. Absolutely everything had to have a closure of some kind in order to avoid the incessant creep of fine dust from the playa. Adam and Sauli would pack their clothes and take them on the plane. Jonny had made reservations with a local water company to make deliveries to their campsite. He had noticed the service truck the last time they went and everyone agreed that was the way to go if you could afford it. Adam chipped in too. Jonny borrowed some tools and rented a large tent that they’d figure out when they got there. He also had a generator that they could use to power a small water pump. The pressure would activate a hose and sprayer for clean up although not enough for a full blown shower. Adam procured a refrigerator box from the neighbors. With a little duct tape reinforcement on the corners, they could use it as an evap pond to catch their gray water after bathing. No one wanted to turn their campsite into a muddy pit, and the strictest rule of Burning Man was to leave behind nothing . . . absolutely nothing, not even soap scum. The playa should remain as pristine as the day the Burners arrived.

“I’ll be at Black Rock when you guys land so I can walk you back. If there’s a mix up, you’ll just have to get someone to help you with the campsite number at the service center. Our phones probably won’t work.”

“Man, I really appreciate this.”

“No problem. It’s going to be fun to have you guys there with us. And, I’m really glad to have the trailer. It’s better than Cassidy’s truck, by a long shot.”

“Okay, I’ll call you in a couple days, and then it’s a go.”

“It’s a go, bro!”

Adam hadn’t looked forward to something this much since the trip to Bora Bora, but his excitement was mixed with a certain amount of trepidation. Black Rock City was no paradise. There was a chance that Sauli would hate it. Absolutely anything could go wrong, but if things went well, it could easily be the best time of their lives together so far, due to the extreme connection of the place. Burning Man created an aura of liberty and escape not just from the day to day grind but also from destructive habits and strict identities. The austere climate gave people an opportunity to find their core selves and to express that self without the confines of modern culture. Adam welcomed the opportunity to just be. The beauty of the Burning Man paradox was that in spite of the independence it afforded, a deep sense of community also emerged. Burners on the playa were family. If he read Sauli correctly these last few weeks, it was exactly what he needed. Adam hoped he would understand not only himself better, but Adam too. The bonds of their relationship would only grow stronger.  
When the day finally arrived, the whole trip almost ended before it even began. They flew from LA to San Francisco without issue, but the air taxi from San Francisco to Black Rock was terrifying. Adam had travelled by way of questionable aircraft before. Literally ‘having to wing it’ was part of the job description for an entertainer. Sauli was ready to turn back. Finally, he borrowed Adam’s confidence and decided he would regret all his life a missed opportunity. The plane was cramped and deafening. Adam held his hand and squeezed back just as hard. As soon as they landed, Adam assured him they’d drive back.

Jonny greeted them as planned. Sauli hugged him, so happy to be on the ground. Jonny and Adam at once began chatting away about the campsite and provisions. Sauli was taken aback by the enormity of the place. He couldn’t have realized how big it was even with Adam’s descriptions. The ground was flat, white, and hard. The playa was the bottom of a lake dried up so, so long ago. There were no plants at all. Sauli could see the campsites in the distance and some tall structures he couldn’t identify, but it seemed they walked quite a while without making any progress. It was all part of the illusion of space that challenged one’s understanding of the universe down to an atomic level. Sauli’s senses pricked. He wanted to remember everything in vivid detail.

“We’ll be there soon.” Adam was unnecessarily apologetic for the trek.

Sauli was already beaming. “Adam, it’s so big!”

“I know, right? You gonna be okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine. It’s awe-inspiring.”

Jonny pointed. “It’s just a little bit further. We camped on this side.”

As soon as they entered the campsites, Sauli saw people busy sorting and organizing their things. They were laughing and helping one another. Some camps had music playing with people dancing carefree. They passed a couple of people who were naked except for hats and beads. The energy was palpable like an electric current through Sauli’s body. The playa was alive and loving. It welcomed Sauli like coming home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the playa everyone looked out for each other. The number one priority at all times was drink water and lots of it. They had to remind each other because time became rather illusory. Before you knew it, suppressed emotions surfaced, tempers flared, fevers broke, confusion set in . . . cells could decay and die all due to a lack of hydration. The playa drank of you. You’d better keep the bar well stocked.

The tent went up without much fuss. Adam was pretty handy with a sledgehammer it turned out. Sauli continued to marvel at his strength, both physical and mental. He wasn’t sure which was sexier. The trailer and van were parked perpendicular to each other creating a windbreak for the tent. It was a spacious campsite, solid and comfortable. Their first day was spent just getting to know their neighbors. They talked and drank and got moved in. The trailer would be fantastic for shelter at night and storage, but that was all. The toilet would be useless without a sewage service, and any electrical hook up would drain the generator. Adam and Sauli ventured out to get acclimated. Jonny pointed them in the direction of the nearest porta potties and Camp Arctica. On the playa, coffee and ice were always on sale. That night several nearby campsites were playing music. Their 'neighborhood' turned into a spontaneous rave. They danced and sang and celebrated everything. Sauli felt an exhilaration that made sleeping almost impossible that first night. He and Adam just lay in the trailer talking, kissing, and touching until dawn. They actually got back up in order to watch the sunrise before heading back to bed again. They slept a few hours until it was simply too hot to stay in. When they arose, desire overtook them. It was daytime. People were up and everywhere, but they had to have each other somehow.

Sauli was hesitant. “What if they hear us?”

“You have to be quiet.”

“I’m not the noisy one.”

“I’ll be quiet. Let me go first. I’m going to show you how to sex it up on the playa.”

“There is a rule book about this?”

“Leave no trace.” Adam winked. Sauli rolled his eyes and grinned. He understood. “Sit up. Make room for me. Adam went under the covers, and Sauli grabbed the back of his neck. It didn’t take long before Adam was swallowing him down. Adam wet-wiped his beard and took a long drink of water, then indicated it was his turn with a roguish nod of his head.

“This isn’t fair at all.” Sauli crawled over and settled between Adam’s bent knees. “I’m going to be too full to eat breakfast.”

“Protein shake, baby.” Sauli punished him exquisitely, and Adam choked mid swig. “Easy, easy, easy.” Their friends were taking it easy too. There were always things to do to occupy time whether it was camp upkeep, people watching, or quiet introspection. That afternoon, Adam and Sauli set out for the open playa to take in the art installations. Sauli was wildly delighted by the incredible grandeur of the landscape, this outdoor art gallery slash amusement park provided him with unequaled whimsy.

“Adam, what on Earth?”

“Oh, that’s Lingam and Yonni . . . and yeah, they’re what you think they are . . . the male and female. Yay, sex!”

“So Lingam is a penis.”

“Yup. Oh my god that would be the perfect safe word for us . . . Lingam. I’m sure referencing an erection would get my attention.”

Sauli had almost forgotten about it. “I don’t think I need a safe word now.”

“You don’t think I’ll creep you out anymore?”

“On the contrary, I think I like being creeped out after all.”

Adam squeezed his shoulders. He was delighted. They continued to wander from one exhibit to the next. They were enormous in scale towering above the surface of the playa filling the passersby with awe. There were animatronics sculptures of various beasts. Others looked like natural energy experiments. Some seemed to defy gravity, suspended somehow by slender supports. The very air itself became art. The theme Rites of Passage prevailed in each structure encouraging the Burners to leave the land of limitations for a state of mind that awakened life’s true potential. Several displays were interactive, and a few were lit up at night. Adam and Sauli would return after dark to experience the illuminative spectacle after a change of clothes. The temperature changed drastically from scorching to freezing after dusk. The weather could change on a dime as well. When they were leaving the Fly Hot Springs, they ducked into each other’s shoulders trying to avoid the beating of a sudden dust storm. They could hear various whoops of surprise from the other Burners nearby. When it was over, Adam was exhilarated. “It’s the Ancestors welcoming us. It’s a Burning Man legend that the dust storms are spirits of the desert.”

“Well, these Ancestors are very rude. I think I have sand up my crack.” Adam laughed heartily. They continued to roam.

The one installation that meant the most to them both was The Temple of Transition. It filled them with an unexpected reverence for the past as they embraced the ever present push forward. The temple was a cluster of structures, altars and archways inviting people to meander from one space to another. They could cross a bridge or peer out a window, always something to see or to feel. Burners were allowed to write messages on the shrines to honor a lost loved one or pledge a resolution. Sauli was deeply moved. He would be back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It took a couple days before Sauli was ready to venture out by himself. Adam needed a nap and sensed that Sauli could use some time alone. Spending every waking moment together in close quarters could take its toll on any relationship. He reminded Sauli where to go if he needed help and made certain he had a map. Sauli took a bike. He wanted to explore other neighborhoods first. He stopped often and drank as Adam insisted he do. There really was no other option. He re-filled his bottles with chipped ice at each available station. He met strangers who treated him like lifelong friends. There were several tents where classes were being offered. Sauli watched the jugglers but declined to join them. He took pictures but only with permission. He passed an oasis with elaborate palm trees and tables where people were chatting and sipping drinks as if they were on the French Riviera. He took in the Fly Hot Springs again. He and some bikini clad girls splashed water in the surrounding pools. Sauli loved the way everyone lived for the moment just to enjoy to the fullest every second of the present. Inevitably, he wanted to return to the Temple. Many Burners were headed that direction. It reminded Sauli of the march to Mecca. As people approached, the quieter they became. They whispered to each other as if they were in church, but there was none of the formality of religion. People were thoughtful and courteous to each other because they wanted to be. They shared tokens and stories even tears sometimes. Sauli got just as many smiles as he gave. He found himself on the bridge, and he looked out at the expanse of the playa trying to take it all in. He sensed the enormity of choice. He could go toward any point on the compass he wished whether it be the world or within. He wanted to leave something on the bridge. He knew the perfect thing. Sauli took out the permanent marker he’d packed and drew a huge heart. Inside the heart he wrote Adam + Sauli 4ever. It was so juvenile but so genuine in its simplicity, that he felt it was the perfect sentiment. Sauli stood there admiring it for a moment, and when he looked back out along the playa the sky had darkened as if night was approaching. Everyone was walking away. “Hey dude!” Someone was trying to get Sauli’s attention. He looked around. A man in a cowboy hat and a deep plush fur vest was waving. As he got closer, Sauli noticed how serious he was. “Hey, there’s a storm comin’. You’d better take cover.”

“Oh.” Sauli really had no idea what to do about the calamity he faced.

“How far off is your camp?”

“Um . . .” Sauli looked in all directions. He got turned around. He needed to climb one of the towers out front to see the semi-circular shape of the layout in order to get his bearings. There was a long line of people descending them. The man wouldn’t let him go.

“That’s a bad idea, little brother. The wind will get fierce. Come on.” They didn’t speak but took cover in a camp nearby. Sauli was perplexed. He hadn’t seen the storm approach, and even though it looked way off, he could already feel the oppressive weight of the hot air stirring energy before the blow. Without any further warning, the gusts began. The wind threw sand and dirt along with people’s unsecured belongings. The tent where Sauli took shelter was sound, and they waited it out in silence and awe. The tumult exhausted itself as swiftly as it arrived. People emerged from their shelters as assuredly as the sun returned from behind the clouds. Life on the playa went on.

“My bike!” Sauli put his hand on his head. He’d left it at the Temple in the rush to take cover.

“I’ll walk you back. Maybe we can figure out where you belong. Are you a newbie?” This man had an accent that Sauli couldn’t identify.

“Yes. I’m so sorry to be a burden to you.”

“Nonsense. My favorite thing in this world is to show someone the way.”

“Thank you. Thank you so much.” They ended up back at the Temple to retrieve Sauli’s bike. The towers had been abandoned due to the weather so Sauli could climb quickly. From that height he could see the air landing. It gave him enough reference to know where his camp was. When he came back down, the man was gone. He didn’t even get his name. It was slow going on the way back. The rain created mud puddles which made navigation challenging. When Sauli wandered into camp pushing his bike, Jonny pointed at him.

“There he is!”

“Hello, everyone.” Sauli saw Adam a head above the others. His expression was a mixture of worry and relief.

Adam took him by the arms and looked him up and down. “Are you all right? What happened? Where were you?”

“Give him a second, Adam. Come on, are you thirsty?”

“Yes, very.” Then he turned to Adam. “I’m fine. I got lost.”

“When the storm hit, we all had to sit on Adam to keep him from going to find you.”

“And every last one of you is on my fuckin’ shit list.” Adam was only mildly pissed.

“Don’t be angry.” Sauli pulled Adam into a hug. Adam nearly squeezed the life out of him in return.

“You don’t look too worse for wear, Sauli. Where did you wait it out?” Jonny was curious.

“A man helped me. He had a terrific fur vest. He didn’t tell me his name. He just disappeared after the storm.”

Jonny’s eyes were wide. “Oh my god, it was the Coyote Man!”

“That’s bull.” Adam wasn’t into that particular legend. He had been on edge ever since he awoke and Sauli wasn’t back yet, but he didn’t want to overreact. “I’m glad you’re safe. We’re going to go out tonight for Exploding Man. There are fireworks. Are you up for it?”

“Of course, but I feel very dirty right now.”

“Yeah, we all washed up earlier. I’ll help you.” Adam was so tender with Sauli, it almost made him cry. He actually wanted to bathe him. It had been an emotional day. The playa had a way of bringing forth the heart’s deepest sentiments, and Sauli wanted to feel all of it. They made up their eyes in color and glitter. Adam wore his red suit and top hat. Sauli was sunburned and particularly cold, so he welcomed his new fur-lined silver jacket. The storm had brought with it a front. Before the night was over, it snowed.

They gathered as a large party with several others at the future site of the bonfire. There were smaller fires and festivities, fireworks, booze and music. Sauli had never danced so much and with such wild abandon in his life. It was truly a wonderment for the senses. Sauli felt totally included and not just as Adam’s boyfriend who came along, but a full-fledged Burner in his own right. Adam spun him around and around as they danced. He admired Sauli. “You’re so fuckin’ gorgeous.”

Sauli smothered Adam with kisses. “This is so much more than I could ever have imagined, Adam.” Knowing that Sauli had embraced Burning Man just as much as he ever had only made Adam fall even more in love. Adam was beginning to doubt that he would ever stop falling in love with this man. He welcomed the prospect of taking that plunge for better, for worse . . . for always.

Adam and Sauli went to bed in the trailer. They stripped out of their clumsy clothes and scooched under the covers, cold and exhausted. It was almost 4 in the morning. They held each other content just to snuggle in the animal essence of their warmth. They slept. Sauli rolled away from Adam. He had a fitful dream. He was riding a bike on the playa. His boots seemed clownishly huge and too heavy for the pedals. He tried pushing it. He clumped along, coaxing the bike to roll. His movements were sluggish, frustrating. Suddenly raindrops dotted the hard, cracked surface of the ground. Sauli looked skyward. It was too bright. Sun and rain together confused him. The rain looked like flickers of light, pieces of shattered sun. Then the thunder came, but it wasn’t thunder. It was the din of loud voices. The rain became the fire of flashbulbs. Sauli was running from the paparazzi. He couldn’t get anywhere. They were gaining on him. From nowhere a ladder appeared, and he began to climb. There was only one light now, its heat boring into Sauli’s skin. For all his climbing he was standing on a platform no more than a few feet off the ground. There was a spotlight on him and a roaring crowd. Sauli realized he was completely naked and he tried to hide himself with his hands, but no one was looking at him. There were jugglers on stilts and tumblers with hoops. There were painted ponies and clown dogs. Performers in costumes and masks, wild animals on leashes all passed by like a parade, and at the end of it . . . one man. The crowd rose to its feet. His arms outstretched as he strutted from one side of the arena to the other. They screamed for him. Adam had them. He wore the red pants and no shirt at all. The light illumined his sweaty skin and made him seem to glow from within. He reached into his pants, and the crowd went wilder. He pulled something black and shiny out of his pocket that kept coming and coming like magician’s scarves. It was a bullwhip. He cracked it sharply at the audience who fell silent. Then, he turned all at once and cracked it at Sauli. He gnashed his teeth, but it wasn’t anger in his glittery eyes . . . only raw lust. Sauli was paralyzed on the platform. He felt an equally powerful urge to come down and stay put. He couldn’t move or look away. Adam licked his lips and flicked his tongue. It was obscenely long and too red. He felt a buzzing sensation at his feet. The platform was now a vibrating amplifier. The music was deafening. Adam put the handle of the whip to his mouth. It was a microphone. He tossed his head back and wailed. The amplifier exploded into a million pieces and Sauli was falling.  
Sauli jolted awake. He didn’t know if he’d called out. Adam was there. He could feel the intense heat of him on his back. Adam’s left arm was under Sauli’s neck. It came curving around his chest to hold him by the shoulder. “It’s okay. You were dreaming.” Adam lazily nuzzled the back of Sauli’s neck. Sauli could feel his beard and his breath. Although, the images of Sauli’s dream were slipping from his consciousness, the residual erection was real. He groaned Adam’s name and shivered.

“Shhhh. I’m here. I’m right here.” Adam had both arms around him now. He still didn’t get it. Sauli pinched his eyes tight, and he could see again the image of Adam, teeth flashing, eyes sparkling . . . the crack of that whip. Sauli inhaled sharply. He took Adam’s right hand into this own and swept it down and down between his legs. Adam held his breath two beats then blew it hot and moist into Sauli’s hair. “Oh, honey, I gotcha.” Adam made long loose swipes up and over the head of Sauli’s cock wetting his fingers there to make his grip less rough. Sauli let go of his hand. He slipped his boxer shorts down under his hips and pressed himself into Adam’s lap. “Sauli . . . sweet Jesus.”

“Aaaa-dam.” The insistence in Sauli’s voice made Adam tremble. He flexed his hips and rubbed his dick against Sauli’s crack. The sensation along with Adam’s hand, made Sauli buck backward. The head of Adam’s cock slick with pre cum slipped inside.

It was unexpected and Adam butt his forehead into Sauli’s back. “Oh, fuck!” He dabbed in again and again, on purpose now, and Sauli came into his hand. It wasn’t enough. The tension broke leaving his muscles loose and pliable, but the yearning that gripped him was deeper.

“Adam, please, please, please.” He was writhing now, insatiable. Adam brought his hand around. He smeared Sauli’s cum up and down his cock. He grabbed Sauli’s hip to steady himself. His thighs were quivering, taut like bowstrings. He dabbed in again, then Sauli took over. He arched his back and bore down hard on Adam’s cock.

Adam gasped. His voice was high and uncertain. “Oh? Oh? Sauli?” Adam thrust up and in, so, so deep. He felt the ring of Sauli’s muscles close in a bit around the base of his cock. A tugging sensation made Adam call out a string of random vowels. His arms squeezed the air from Sauli’s chest. Sauli’s head lolled backward, his body went limp and liquid. Adam huffed irregular breaths behind Sauli’s ear. He felt dizzy as he pulled out and pumped in again.

Sauli moaned his approval. “Mmmmmphuckme.”

Driven by a primal need, Adam was long gone. He rolled Sauli onto his stomach. The covers slid down sending an icy prickle across Adam’s sweaty back. The make-shift lube was wet, but the slip didn’t last. Soon the draw was searing and ragged. Adam finally just lay his body atop Sauli’s and ground him into the mattress. Sauli was making soft grunting noises into the pillows as his dick rubbed roughly in the bunch of sheets. Adam found Sauli’s hands and held on. Adam’s orgasm started like a tickle behind his balls. He cinched up. The tickle became a critical itch that sped down the length of his cock. His climax was sudden and overpowering. He shouted low and guttural. As Adam’s whole body shook, Sauli twitched and cried out. Adam didn’t question for a second that Sauli could come twice. In fact he would never doubt their potential to fuck each other senseless from this day forward. At this moment, Adam was seriously considering a higher power. He was good and wet again and grateful for a slick retreat. “Thank God.” He collapsed on his back and cast his gaze upward with the spiritual reverence of a Pilgrim. On the way to recovery, he had barely enough air to speak. “Sauli?”

“What?”

“Are you awake?”

“Yes.”

“The sun’s coming up.”

Sauli crawled over on his elbows. “Will we burst into flames?”

Adam laughed. “Been there and back, baby.” He rolled onto his side and into Sauli’s space. They opened their mouths and tasted each other without closing their eyes. In the absolute quiet just before dawn, in the stark environs of the desert, they were a universe unto themselves. They lie there together propped on elbows, gazing into each other’s eyes.

“Adam?”

“Yes, my love.”

“We stink.”

Adam made a face and chuckled. “I know.”

“We must do something.”

“Wet wipes are not gonna cut this funk.”

“Nooooo, no way.”

“It’s gonna be super cold, this early.”

“This is true but also necessary.”

“You wanna make a run for it?”

“I’ll get the jug and the soap.”

“I’ll bring the towels.” And they were up and rushing. They went behind the trailer totally naked with their bathing items. Adam kicked the flat box for their evap pond out from under the wheels of the trailer. It was just light enough to see. Already their teeth were chattering. Adam stepped into the box first. “Okay, the hair can wait. Do it. Wet me down.” Sauli tipped the gallon jug at the base of Adam’s neck so the water would run down his body and get most everywhere. “HOH, COLD!! Motherfucking fuck!” Sauli scrambled for the soapy spray bottle. Adam puffed visible air from his lungs. He lifted his arms and Sauli sprayed suds. Adam winced when he did the same down below. Adam rubbed it into a lather, then Sauli rinsed him. Adam tied the towel securely around his middle and repeated the steps for Sauli’s ‘shower’. “Hold still!”

“I can’t! Shit, it’s too cold. Hurry, hurry.” Adam used more water on him than he intended, but what the hell. Tomorrow they burned the man, anyway. They left the evap pond where the sun would hit it, and rushed back inside.

“Oh my god, Sauli, this trailer absolutely reeks of sex.”

“That was one nasty fuck, Adam.”

“It’s all your fault. What were you dreaming about?”

“I don’t remember exactly. I think you were a lion tamer.”

“Oh well, clearly that explains it. What the fuck?”

Sauli gave Adam a wink. “It was so, so good.”

Adam looked Sauli up and down. “Maybe best ever . . . I can’t even . . . You’re seriously gonna kill me.” They nudged each other playfully as they dressed. The mayhem of their bed made them blush. They stripped the sheets and wadded them into a plastic bag. They straightened the blankets as best they could and lay down on top. Already they heard the stirrings of campers waking for the day. “I don’t want to get up. Can we sleep more?”

“Yes. We can stay here as long as we want to.”

Sauli sighed. “Forever.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adam woke with a powerful thirst. The sun was halfway to high. He tapped Sauli. “Hey, wake up.”

Sauli yawned and stretched. He squinted his eyes. “I have a headache.”

“Me too. When’s the last time you took a piss?”

Sauli thought. “Last night before we went to bed.”

“That’s like eight hours ago. That’s not good. Come on.” They got up, and Adam went to the cabinet. “Drink at least a quart before we go anywhere. Got it?”

“A quart? This is a liter, yes?”

“Uh-huh, make it two, and don’t chug it.”

They traded their night clothes for day wear . . . shorts, tanks, and various expressive accessories that needed no other consideration than to be to their liking. When they finally emerged, their fellow campers were groggily glad to see them. And the day progressed like the rest . . . hanging out, taking walks, and being together. Adam and Sauli took turns washing each other’s hair now that the sun would dry it properly. They relied on each other. It was an essential task done lovingly. They felt new.

On Saturday, they burned the man. His farewell was a vision to behold. Thousands of people stood in a great ring around the man on top of the scaffolding. The guests were entertained with electronic music and an amazing fire show. It all culminated in the torching of the 40 ft sculpture of the man representing anything and everything they wanted it to. The fire lasted well into the night. Burners mellowed out. They sat on blankets, leaning against their loved ones. They stood in clusters holding hands. They laughed and marveled, some cried with the catharsis of it all. Sauli was, for the first time in a long time, perfectly content. He didn’t suffer angst or uncertainty. He didn’t feel misplaced or detached. He didn’t want transformation or amendment, just more . . . more life like this with Adam. They were holding each other now. Adam’s big arms surrounded Sauli like an affirmation. Eventually the crowds began to disperse. They began to prepare for the Exodus come Monday. It would be exhausting. Adam gave Sauli an extra hard hug and rocked him side to side. He buried his face in Sauli’s neck.

Sauli turned around. Adam’s eyes were misty. “A happy cry?”

Adam nodded. “So happy. I needed this so much, Sauli. Thank you for coming with me.”

“This has been the best week of my life, Adam.” Adam could see flickers of firelight in Sauli’s eyes. He saw hope there and so much trust. Adam touched Sauli’s cheek. Sauli put his hand over Adam’s and nuzzled into his palm. Adam bent down and pressed his lips to Sauli’s. How could it be that, still after all this time, the slightest touch like this could set them both ablaze? For them, the burning man was a symbol of love ignited . . . swift, consuming, and pure. They breathed. They wrapped their arms around each other and kissed again like they were about to embark on a journey, a desperate good-bye to something neither of them could identify just yet. A gust of flame-warmed air swirled around them. The Burning Man collapsed to a hearty round of applause and cheers. Adam and Sauli cheered too.

“It’s time to go home now. It’s probably going to get crazy, you know. Are you ready?”

“Yes, Adam, I’m ready. Let’s go home.”


End file.
